Off I go!

So here I am hours away from beginning my last ICU shift.This is so bittersweet. Sweet because I will be a human with my family and be able to function again. Bitter because of the extremly rewarding job and wonderful people I am leaving. I will miss them all. This is a new phase in my life. It is time to rest. I want to learn how to do this. I dont know if I can, but I must try. I am going to be there for my kids. I am so excited for this new change. I am also scared for this new change. God will provide. It may sound cliche but he always does and always has. I say this not because it is the right thing to say, but because it is truth. I struggle with feeling worthy to have a good life. I want to sieze the wonderful life I have been given and live to the fullest my potential. I am going to get to go back to church, though I admit the prospect is frightening. we have been gone so long. Maybe too long? I struggle within my self every time the issue comes up and I am not sure why. I need to lead my example but I azm not willing to fake it. I really have to feel it too. I am writing this blog to commemmorate the end of an era in my life. Not the end of struggle but the end of my feeling like I must suffer to recieve. I recieve this wonderful job and the new wonderful life that goes with it.

Lord Help me...

Lord I have a prayer. Just help me in this situation. Give me words, wisdom, and composure. This is a world with which I am unfamiliar. I have to work hard to compose myself. I don't need to be liked but I need to be fair. I need to be fair to them and myself, give me grace, love and forgiveness for these people. You said "do good to those who spitefully use you." I have been manipulated and used and I feel such. It is so dark right now but I still believe I am here because you brought me here. I believe I have a purpose and a call where I am. I believe you love me and you go with me tomorrow come what may. Prepare my way. Walk with me. Guide me. I do not have the wisdom but you do I I lean on you, for you are my strength. I do not walk alone. YOU have a plan and I will trust you. With all that I am I will trust you. I am so glad I am not alone I anything I go through I just wish I always remembered that I am not alone. You are so faithful.

Such a bad day!

OMG! What a day! So stressful an terrible! I am mentally, emotionally, an physically exhausted. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I ha the answers. I wish I wasn't the boss! Why am I here? I am so angry. So angry! Why are people this way!? what makes them so bitter and selfish that they must attack everyone around them? I have to work every day this weekend! So tired of this! Maybe I should just get over it and say WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Wish there was something I could do to feel better! I am good enough! I am competent! I am absolutely here! I am not perfect, flawless or all- knowing! So sue me! Ok enough yelling.
I am hurt, sad an angry. I wish I could wake up tomorrow an feel different and competent. Maybe they will just push me far enough I will actually snap an tell them what to do! Never mind. Just never mind.

Its Just Me Again

    I used to write. I remember looking out my window and writing just everything I could think of. I miss than the complete, uninhibited expression of my self. I need this blog to remember, remember simpler times. I want to remember when I was little, I want to remember relationships. I want to feel what I feel without worrying how it will sound. That is what this blog is, an opportunity to be heard, to remember and to express.

    So much has happened over the last couple of years.There has been no time. No time to mourn loss. No time to laugh. No time to cry. I am wrung like a scrap of linen that has washed too many things; shabby, tattered and threadbare. I wrestle everyday with my inadequacies and general incompetence. I am torn by every storm that comes my way.

    I miss my grandma, I miss the intoxicating smell of her kitchen filled with ingenuity and creativeness lost to our generation. I miss her voice, I miss her hugs. I miss her stories. She was 86, that still doesn't seem like enough time. She never held her great granddaughter. I was at work and walked through a hall and smelled a smell that nearly brought me to my knees and brought tears to me eyes. It was just like her kitchen. My heart is homesick an heartsick for the love and safety an consistency of her home. Now it is still there, the building itself. My grandpa is still there also. Somehow what is there only leaves a tremendous void  reminding me that she is not. There is no home to go to. My parents house is shattered and an grandparents house is shattered. Only faded an worn memories of what was remain like tattered photographs in my mind. I want to go home.

    I miss my friends. Friends with which I grew up. We all got married, we all shared a part of our life that was so critical our place now. I miss the fellowship of people who really know who I am. I mourn the loss of the closeness we had an have lost through the inevitability of time an space. When did we grow up? When did I become an adult that worried about jobs an money and time an "plans."  The truth is I don't know. Somehow I have lost myself and desperately need to find myself again. Who am I and where can I find myself. I am not talking about the roles that we always use to define who we are: I am a wife, mother, nurse etc. I am talking about the real me. The me that is a musician, who was passionate who wrote an cried and lived. That me, who is she and how does she fit? How does she fit in this life that must be professional an clear an clean and perfect all the time? Maybe I can find out.

I am adrift,
alone,
I feel sand in my toes, hope.
But next cold water,
Stinging salt,
and ire comes bubbling over.
The Ocean should know better.

Lost,
empty of purpose and cause.
Reasons are empty,
The grains of sand clung to no longer are felt.
Hopelessness is great.
One more breath,
One more stroke,
Maybe there is a shore.

I fight,
the cold darkness that seeks to swallow me whole.
Everyone says it is impossible.
Dawn can break,
why won't it?
The darkness should know better.

Someday I will crash upon the shore,
coughing up my own unbelief.
The sun will awn to warm my aching bones,
it will bleach away my disgrace.
Someday will come.
Someday.